|
|
| The Jolly Green Giant's Senate Testimony |
Posted: 05/14/2008
The Jolly Green Giant's Senate Testimony
by Daniel Clark
Sen. John KERRY: Mister Giant, you are an obscenely wealthy man. Some
would even say you haven't legitimately earned this obscene wealth of
yours. How do you respond to those criticisms?
Mr. Jolly Green GIANT: People have got a right to their opinions.
KERRY: In fact, you live in a palatial mansion in the sky, isn't that
correct?
GIANT: I have a big house at the top of the beanstalk, if that's what you
mean.
KERRY: Built on the backs of the little people, no doubt. We've all seen
how food prices have skyrocketed recently. This is a clear case of gouging
if ever I've seen one.
GIANT: I don't know what you mean by that. My products are subject to
supply and demand like anything else. I can't just decide to raise my
prices in order to increase my profits, or I'll lose my customers to rival
brands. That's how competition works.
KERRY: Oh, so that's your game. Well, rest assured, you've gotten away
with this "competition" scheme for the last time.
Sen. Barack OBAMA: Mister Giant, do you really expect us to believe that
these food prices are not artificially high?
GIANT: No I don't, Senator. It's just that, to the degree that they are,
it's the government that is responsible. When you pay subsidies to farm
owners who leave their land unfarmed, you're doing that to reduce the
supplies of certain crops, for the explicit purpose of keeping prices
artificially high.
OBAMA: That is untrue. I deny that categorically. I have never even heard
of that. Furthermore, I condemn these actions of my fellow senators.
Whatever they've done in the past has got nothing to do with me. I mean, I
just got here.
Sen. Joseph BIDEN: Mister Giant, I look at your inhuman figure before us
here today, with your freakish green complexion -- and I mean that in a
good way -- and I wonder if you are able to relate.
GIANT: Relate to whom?
BIDEN: Whom? Is that what they teach you in those fancy Martian private
schools?
GIANT: I'm not a Martian. I'm a green giant.
BIDEN: Same difference. You zucchinis all stick together. Not that there's
anything wrong with that.
Sen. Robert BYRD: My wife would always call me to the window to show me
the first robin of spring, but invariably, what she would point out was
not in fact a robin, but an oriole.
BIDEN: If my friend, the distinguished gentleman from West Virginia, will
yield for a question, does this oration have anything in the world to do
with the subject of rising food prices?
BYRD: I suspect it inevitably will, if I may continue. Now, a Baltimore
oriole has an orange belly like a robin does, but apart from that, the
markings of the two birds are quite dissimilar.
[SECTION DELETED]
BYRD: . And that is how Vitamin D has come to be known as "The Sunshine
Vitamin."
GIANT: I couldn't agree more.
Sen. Hillary CLINTON: Mister Giant, what would you say to Mary Lou Nascar
from Deliverance, Mississippi, whose daughter Ellie recently died of
hookworms, because her mother was forced to choose between food and
medicine?
GIANT: I find it hard to believe that the only two options a family has in
its budget are to eliminate either food or medicine. Are you sure this
Nascar family really exists?
CLINTON: How can you be so callous to the suffering of innocent composite
characters?
GIANT: If they're in such dire financial straits, I take it you are going
to vote to extend their tax cuts.
CLINTON: I'm not the one who's on trial here, Mister Giant.
GIANT: Nobody is on trial here. This is a congressional inquiry, not a
criminal court.
CLINTON: Yes, of course. I'm getting ahead of myself. But don't worry,
I'll get you, my pretty.
GIANT: Pardon me, Senator?
CLINTON: It's a figure of speech.
Sen. Ted KENNEDY: Let's dispense with the anemones, Mister Green Jeans,
and cut to the chaser. Are you now, or have you ever been, a capitalist?
GIANT: Of course I am.
KENNEDY: Aha! So you admit it. You've fallen into my parlor, said the
eensy-weensy fly.
GIANT: With all due respect, Senator, I don't think you know what you're
talking about.
KENNEDY: What are you incinerating? I resign that remark. I don't have to
stand for an insole like that, from the likes of Ike. You're out of order.
This whole corpuscle's out of order! Raddemannenuh! Bleblabbemanamah!
Aggremunnesnuh!
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]
-- Daniel Clark is a Staff Writer for the New Media Alliance. The New
Media Alliance is a non-profit (501c3) national coalition of writers,
journalists and grass-roots media outlets.
Distributed by www.ChristianWorldviewNetwork.com
Read and post feedback
Disclaimer: Worldview Weekend, Christian Worldview Network and its columnists do not necessarily endorse or agree with every opinion expressed in every article posted on this site. We do however, encourage a healthy and friendly debate on the issues of our day. Whether you agree or disagree, we encourage you to post your feedback by using the feedback button.
481 Views
Printer Friendly Version |
E-mail this article to a friend |
Return to home
|
- point?
| Posted On: 05/19/08 09:44:25 PM | | Age 40, AZ |
Yes , he is. Our worldview is one upon which the ideas of capitalism, free enterprise and individual freedom rest. Though he used irony, he did show that the players in this little hypothetical hearing are ENTHUSIASTICALLY opposed to such things, as they think that they know better than we do how we should live our lives.
Click here to reply to this post
|
|
|
