How should pastors and Churches respond to troubled marriages?

When I became a pastor, I had a limited understanding of what my work would involve (although I am quite sure I thought I knew more than I did). I was only 25 years old and held high ideals which were untested by the realities that only years of experience would provide. Like most entering pastoral ministry, I envisioned opportunities to share life-changing truths of Scripture with a congregation eager to learn. Thoughts about leading a church into spiritual growth filled my heart and mind. But I never fully understood how much I would encounter. Perhaps this was a good thing.

The most challenging and unexpected experience of ministry has been the front row seat I’ve had to martial crisis. I have learned how complicated and painful life can be for those who endure a failing marriage. When a marriage disintegrates, it often becomes a context for anger, selfishness, manipulation, immaturity, irrationality, foolishness, dishonesty, betrayal, hatred and bitterness. Making matters worse (and more painfully complicated), children are often caught in the mix of these behaviors. Helping a failing marriage is one thing; leading a family through it with the aim of protecting children is another.

Many who endure the unhappiness of a failing marriage see divorce as their only way out. Yet while obtaining a divorce is relatively easy, it almost always results in an emotional bombshell. No matter how much anticipated and planned, divorce is more difficult and painful than imagined. On a personal level, it rouses guilt, anger and insecurity while shattering self-confidence. Socially, it complicates interpersonal relationships -- especially when children are involved. Financially, it is usually a lose-lose arrangement. Don’t be fooled. Divorce is never an easy solution to a troubled marriage. But, if divorce is difficult for marriage partners, it is far worse for children caught in the middle.

I have come to believe that in some cases marital separation is necessary. This is especially true where a clear pattern of abuse exists. I have observed this in relation to substance abuse, severe financial irresponsibility, unending emotional and/or verbal abuse, psychological breakdown and abrogation of marital commitments. Each case has its own set of circumstances and level of severity.

For church leaders, it is often tedious and time consuming to discern the whole truth about the condition of a marriage. In most cases, meetings with both parties separately and together are essential for complete assessment. This takes time—something those in crisis don’t feel they have. But marital demise usually involves extended patterns of neglect and alienation intertwined with self-deception and selfish behavior. This fact, along with the high levels of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion, makes the road to reconciliation difficult.    

Leaders must be aware of patterns of deceit and selfishness that often color individual perspectives on failing marriages. Seeking the truth requires time, patience and wisdom. When Couples are in crisis mode, they often expect help and answers immediately. Sometimes crisis intervention must come first. But leaders must not be drawn into hasty reactions or conclusions based on the desperate state of the marriage.  

In our culture, marital failure will occur within churches. People often turn to Churches and pastors for help when life falls apart. When marriages fail in the Church family, pastors must resist the temptation of reacting in a way that preserves their own image within the Church. Misunderstandings will occur. Church members must respect the thoughtful process pastors apply when trying to handle matters wisely. Church members must pray for their leaders and avoid jumping to conclusions about the marriage. Hard and fast conclusions will not always be immediately available. Conclusions based merely on appearance or Church talk should be avoided. The Church must also realize that while pastors help troubled marriages, they carry many other responsibilities which cannot be neglected. Pastors are also limited on what they can ethically share with other members of the congregation.

Sometimes when marriages reach a crisis level, martial separation becomes necessary. I prefer to call this structured separation. This type of separation should involve seven important components.

1.     A specific purpose related to the problems in the marriage requiring separation. (This could also include a signed covenant)

2.     A set of specific and measurable goals.

3.     A projected time frame that does not allow for indefinite separation.

4.     A study on biblical themes of forgiveness and reconciliation (see my booklet).

5.     Reading “Hope for the Separated” by Gary Chapman

6.     A built in accountability with Church leaders and/or a counselor/mentor.

7.     A small support team to pray for the marriage and offer tangible help.

Steve Cornell